In my imagination
there is no key I know of
under your doormat,
no white sheets we hang together
on the dry line.  
The veil never meets my scalp,
vows fail to form at our lips; 
death need not do us part.

Instead, we are actors
performing what real lovers do:
hands grazing, eyes locked,
sitting shoulder to shoulder 
on the shaky wooden stools 
in a Manhattan sports bar. 
Tuesdays is our ritual: 
we rendez-vous  
on the green benches
in Washington Square Park. 
You, my confidante,
I, your vault.

But when the curtains close
and the lights come back on
we step out of our costumes
and go our separate ways.
All the world’s a stage 
and us, merely are the players.
 
After all, I do not know you—
your coffee order 
your mother’s name
the incident from childhood
that left a scar on your right eye; 
I do not feel you in the ways 
drunk poets write of 
and asylum goers describe.
In between us remains 
the infinite chasm 
(between likeness and love) 
drawn by a single thread line. 
 
But in my imagination,
every so often 
we veer off script 
and blur the lines.
All the world’s a stage
but when I step off
you remain on my mind.
After all, I know you—
the shift of your voice when you anger 
what makes you laugh, 
the ways you lie. 

In my imagination
I feel you in the ways 
electricity runs through 
fluorescents screens, 
and the neon signs 
flashing in a taxi cab, 
as if norepinephrine and ambien
were running through my veins
as if we never left the play
and kept pressing rewind.

But when I awaken 
from my foolish day dream 
I face reality’s sobering cruelness: 
Your blonde from a Good Home, 
awaits you in your living room 
adorned in a cotton summer dress.
She cooks like your mother
and reminds you of the seas. 
She loves you like a lover does 
She knows nothing of me.

As the curtains close once more
and we go about our separate days
I think of you as just a stranger; 
perhaps we were always better off that way.

1. no more apologies


set the table at midnight
 
sorry for burnt dinner

I wasn’t paying attention
was I?

caught between
Suns and 
Moons

sorry, 
              sorry

Twice 
because 
it’s not enough

wrong 
horse

scratching
                  the paint

she sees me so clearly

just a little 
                off center

sometimes 
but always 
true

there is no time
for anything else

                but so much time
to change and 
                change again

or 
                stand still.

I can’t always tell
if we should
stop. 
         or keep going

what I 
never 
always 
do is rest.

but we’re
frozen 

or at least I am.

fawn for love

farm from what’s
given to you

this dirt will thaw

and Mother will
                                 bloom again

trains of thought
                                 leave the station

too early
                  too late

I’ll see you in 
tomorrow 
today’s 
Sun

       
                           I love you,
                                                12:01



2. When The Hopeful Hypocrite Dreams of Today


my head hurts
                             and I’ve wasted
  		                                            another day
Time 
             I can’t crawl back to

my ship sails,
    	                   forward,
                     	                   through
but the anchor 
                              drags,

“do as I say”
                        I say
not as I do.

hopeful 
              hypocrite

promising 
Warmth
to the cold

as if I hadn’t 
                        stretched 
                                             these corners
a blanket
that wouldn’t 
grow to be
enough

“I know it is heavy”
                                        I say 
“I know how dark,
                                     how cold 
                                                       it can get.”

and it can always get
Colder

Fear grips at me
                               just as I witness its latching

get away from them!
			                   I say

But sometimes it’s not enough

this active healing
that takes place
                                  it’s a scary thing, don’t you understand?
Of course, I do.
 
                                  do you think apologies are enough?
Of course, I don’t.

even-toned placations

Little one, 
I wonder what it would be like to
                                                                meet you now
Worried and worried
Wondering if tomorrow would be easier

then easy comes
I promise it does

but first, we must sail
                                           through treacherous waters 
                                                                                                 of the beaten spirit

I will be our captain, 
help me sail for 
                              fortunately, 
         
                                                      my destiny is hope.



3. just wait for dawn


in the middle
                           of the night
I collect

My sticks
My stones

and the bark of the tree
that fell
                  no sound
                  no witness

except the bird that 
                                      fluttered away,

losing her children
in the heavy 
thump 

of her home

I walk
             and walk

with a nest 
in my arms

I gather,
sobbing, 
                  heaving 

the emptiness
inside of me

mourning for more than my pain

finally, 
Warmth
                  beside me

somehow,
in the dead of the night

I had forgotten

the sun would
                              rise again

We wouldn’t be 
                              alone anymore

lay down these burdens

I welcome the 
End 
        and the Beginning

Mother comes back
                                         tittering along
a quiet murmuring
                                    a soulful grievance

there is no consolation
except to ask

if you can let 
                          the light
	                  the warmth
                                                 touch your wings

knowing it never
                                 got to touch
                                                        your heartstrings

can we lay down
in the soil
                    and let
Mother 
take us back?

can we wait
                        for dawn?

can I wait 
                        with you?

I have all of the time 
                                       in the world.

The glass chips
over a decade
of not understanding
of being too young

the truth hidden

the expectation
of understanding
and not asking questions

no ones knows anyone
really

Fathers left
Mother’s shrank
Brothers


                a painful memory

cousins i did not know

it's easier to think
I would have hated to know them
what if we’d been friends?
what if they shared my secrets?

I’ve seen women 
who travel in packs
their laughter 
an affront
to what I’ll never know

to think a girl can tell me 
her cousins 
would return home
and reveal 
all that 
they swiped
in their purse

And I
grow jealous
that they even have a story
to tell

I contort who i am 
for a taste of what they have
It was never the same

I have seen too much
without knowing much at all
It ages a child to see but not know
to exist but not feel

I don’t let myself wonder
no family is perfect
but it doesnt mean the fractures
don’t pierce the skin and find their ways 
Into my heart, lungs and mind

I carry their trauma in my bones
Quick to cry
Empty mind 
Rash judgement 
Cruelty

I wouldn’t know compassion
if I’d ever met it
It surprises me 
Instead of warming my heart
I don’t believe it
because the second I do

Cruelty

am i her mistress?
I would do what she says 
If i could feel whole
for once

Always existing in the 
         in between of
what 
         i know not to ask 
and 
         what i wonder

Sabr
         it will be sweet
Aram
         pencil it in
it gets better
or you grow numb

from time to time
you thrash
                come up for air
before slipping back 
under

restrained by
perception

pious
kind
patient
honest 

to a fault

so you wait
sabr
a sharp agony 
below 
t h e   c l o u d   o f   f o g

you won’t feel it
until later
you’ve learned to wait

you do so it well
and go so long
that when it bubbles to the surface
you realize
that you never made space
and it has no place

uncontrolled
it hurts
you
her
everyone

you release until you are
                                              E M P T Y
is this what it means
to practice Sabr?

will i taste 
the sweet fruit 
that blooms
from the ruins 
of everything i know

if it gets better
there’s no other choice
i smile
and we began again

the sun rises and I arrive
not quite home
But on my shoulders
I carry with me
7 years of 
What was supposed to be

There was no question
No reason
There were some signs
I didn’t think they would stop us

It wasn’t good
What we had
I was selfish
You were squashed

There wasn’t time
There was too much time
There was fear
I was frozen

I needed to survive
I wasn’t sure you’d let me
You would not have let me
In the end, it was 
about you

In the end, I was scared
Squashed
Unable to walk my own neighborhood
Without feeling you haunting
My every step

Stalking
Hunting
Preying on me
I’m not sure what changed
I know what changed

And it had nothing to with me
You had nothing to do with me
I soaked my loneliness in the crumbs you gave
And I still don’t know why you bothered

It was sudden,
The moment I knew
I hadn’t left
Despite your screams

My heart sank 
When you chose 
Her
Once again
Over me who filled you
Only with light
But dared to have whims

Me who beared the burden
Of the time you could not speak
Me who could never be right
Unseen, unheard
Were those who hurt you louder?

Or did my words matter less
Did my soul not reach yours?
Could I not save you?
While still saving myself

It's just her nature
She doesn’t know your culture
Her temperament
Her personality
Her manners

Always your turn
deciding its mine
was the worst crime 

in the gray
cracks of the sidewalk
Is where you’ll find
the pieces
of our potential 

among the stars
are the dreams that
once were
I don’t look up
anymore

i moved away
sold our bed
decided i hated you
because it was easier

If i left
and i didn’t love you
and if i didn’t hate you
then there was only 

The Void

I decided you were 
repulsive
unforgiving
mean

and i understood why

it was logical
every decision i made
by every virtue
no one could say 
i was wrong

but the heart tells 
a different tale

pretending
when you’re in pain
creates a sickness so deep that 
untwisting
could take years
so

I start fresh
put you in a drawer
laugh about it
I still believe it was the only way

I wish it could be different
but you don’t matter
and that is the only way

there’s no magic
in the void

ask where it it went
If you are brave enough
                  naive 

then await your sentence

the first to experience my joy
as their own
and watch the car as 
——WIND BREAKS

and i halt
the world moves on
I remain
unfrozen
returned

no glory
just time 
to remember
romanticize
contort what was
for a 
        small escape

escapes turn to madness
endless nights missing
years unavailable

The damage you leave in your wake is more powerful than anything you have done or will do

you live as shattered glass on the pavement

It makes no difference
If you move
or freeze
or run

What have you done?
the voice taunts
are you even trying?
as you begin to move
you are brought back
you are a failure

unloved
I will learn to be
a martyr that no one asked for
I will make different choices
what have you done to deserve respect
I’ve done nothing

once i would have cared
today i am tired
I wish for the voice to go

but it remains
like a layer of skin
sewn into every 
movement
It’s familiar. 
It had its way
I’m stronger now.

home feels warmer
you are nothing
and i am content 
most days
she wants more

the knot gets tighter
every day—

harder to break
stronger—

she stands straight-
er
can bear mo-
re

It’s harder to see
what she’s hiding

Who she is?
No one can see in

No harm will come to her!
It is not her

She forgets
No one ever knows

The knot gets tighter
some days it’s 

         hard 
           to 
       breathe

but she keeps going
what other choice is there?      

Unr
      a 
         v
           e
             l
              i
              n
               g now

would be worse than 
nothing

She is SOMEWHERE
That Girl would have gone
nowhere

This girl was someone.

the knot 
         
               took 

                             space

           |  bitchy
           .
      wound 
        tight
           .
           |  hardass
           |  cunt

she was going to be 
something

in time

How I see you     

even 

when you don’t 

   

a wilted flower

is still that 

awaiting her sun

   

missing the 

wet 

soil

   

we’re in london, love 

she says

    

you 

never remembered 

an umbrella

   

the wind picks

up 

     

you let the rain 

f

  a

      l

 l



no other options

you wait for the sun to 

come again 



      no other choice 

than to wait 

       to see myself 

as you once did

sleep arrives with the sun
words come misplaced
pain comes before
 
peace arrives with 
The Silence of the Night
words scatter on the pages, worn from the fight

pain i inflict
is easier
  
there is a word for what i am
i fear it
fear i identify with it

they don’t want me here
a nuisance

forget her
and yet, obsession ensues
once i slip away  
 
when they least expect it
I’m gone
was i plotting all along?
not even i am certain 
 
too quick to run
can never keep quiet
they come back around
 
there’s no use
once my fear has passed
i become a rock,
 
          you become a gravestone
         i visit sometimes, when its 
 drizzling and no one else is around.
 
I leave flowers, i spit on your soil and I lay where you do.
just 
      to be certain. 
 
you wanted me, but different
 
I live anyways

For them,                                        
a slap on the
	        wrist

For me,
a nudge towards a 
                cliff

As I freefall
and they 
	        watch

and learn
and deny

Adamant
that they have done something
right

And me?
Who had done everything
Pushed m
                y
                  s
                   e
                     l
                      f 

Until my heels slip
From the edge 
right?

not enough
always wrong
never quite
cut out for this?

a stutter? 
               cut
a headache? 
               cut
a deep breath? 
               cut

and as i bled
sympathy like cotton
on a skull cracked wide open
soul escaping, voice missing

Adamant
that they’ve done all
that they can
TRYING
to understand
as I pass

guilt
turns to prayers
I see now how she bled
 care
 know
consider

the commotion of my landing, tears shed
a corpse will grow flowers at their prayers!

they forget again, 
and another lands next to me
another at my feet and another 
and another on my back
until I am out of sight.

Happy Funeral!
Thank you for making time for me.
Best Regards,
A dead girl

She dropped my  

hand 

the lines

blurred 

my vision went 

dark 

girlhood was 

not a love 

that I deserved 

I could accept it 

or I could spend 

my life fighting for it 

only to not see it 

when it arrived

unable to handle 

the drop of a hand 

she wanted to 

be held 

not by Her 

but by someone 

the    distance 

froze her 

taught her 

wounded her 

She dropped her hand 

Her fear outweighing 

          Her love 

Her inability to be.

destroying those around her 

until they grew up 

hated Her 

ridiculed Her

ignored Her 

grew from her

but never forgot 

the wound opening 

every 

time 

why did she go back 

every 

time 

she knew it was wrong 

every

time 

she wanted the part of her

that disappeared that day 

the love she’d been promised 

5,678 chances

she understood now 

why people killed for love 

but she could not will it to end 

and there was no other way

years later

the rain poured down 

and she was stuck inside 

with only her thoughts 

she thought of Her 

how far she’d come 

she replayed the moment 

just to feel the pierce of the pain 

to see if she’d grown for it 

it still hurt 

chronic

exacerbated by the sight, scent or implication 
   

she’s found love 

she feels seen 

she’s held other hands

and she thinks one day she may be okay

there’s an elegance 

to her rage

how she considers 

before 

she strikes 
   

how the stars align 

and the moon pulls 

at her

spirit 

bend over 

backwards

when the tide

pulls forward 

you are not

of the ocean

you will not 

swim 

for a moment 

just 

               let her—

she yearns 

she breathes 

she knows 

she is at peace? 

the tide pulls 

and she looks 

                  the other way

the

storm 

arrives

by choice or by force